OKAY! I'm feeling a little pissed at everyone in my family! I left Charles almost 3 weeks ago to decide what it was that I wanted. Well I thought & thought & thought about what I wanted & what I deserved. As well as being rushed by everyone in my family! Saying that is't not fair to keep Charles waiting. So what do I do. I tell him my desicion is let it be done. I've been burned to many times in the past thinking that someone is gonna change & I know this is my husband so it should be different but I cant believe it. So its done. NOW...I'm getting smug looks & comments from my family. Saying that I didnt try hard enough, which we did 3 other times. Say that I didnt take my vowels seriously cuz 'for better or worse' but I have. I think it's funny how people can say one thing but then turn around & say something totally different. My mother has ALWAYS told me that all she wants is for her children to be happy! Well it makes me feel like no body wants me happy. That they just want me to be with Charles becasue he's a nice guy..But just becasue he's a nice guy doesnt mean he makes me happy! I just feel like everyone around me is trying to push me back to him when it's not what I want! I just dont understand it. Why cant people just understand how I feel or where I'm coming from & leave it alone becasue it's my life & my desicion. They need to realize that it's not easy for me either. My marriage failed. & I'm sure it's my fault but I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying & being unhappy! For a change I want to smile, laugh & wake happy about what I've done! I think I deserve to be happy just like everyone else. I didnt think a 21 yr old should be that unhappy! Guess everyone else thought differently. I just wish everyone could understand. But instead they wanna make me feel more like shit then I already do! Guess some things NEVER change...

I dont understand what is going on with my life anymore. I'm not happy so I leave Charles. I know I dont want to be with him but I also know that if I leave him that everyone in my family is gonna be pissed & or disappointed in me! I'm tired of being unhappy with something that my heart just isnt in anymore. But no one seems to understand is except my bestie.

Another thing I dont understand is what is wrong with my son! He has been so fussy lately that it's not funny. He's NEVER been this fussy before, not even when he was a baby! I dont know what's wrong with him. I'm sure he wonders where daddy is & I'm sure he knows somethings wrong but I cant go back just because of Dominic. I'm 21 & I'm not gonna be miserable the rest of my life. But he alwasy wants to be held which I dont mind doing, but he kills my back after a while. I think it's just becasue my mother has spoiled him & now just wants to be carried around. God I hate it. OH & we cant forget that damn squeal of his he does. OMG it drives me up the wall. At first I thought it was just a new noise he discovered but he does it ALOT. Now I think it's because he's been around Charles & I arguing so he does it to get attension. But my mom & I plus my dad & brother give him loads of attension. But I just dont understand.

Well all I know is I'm not happy with Charles & I dont care what anyone thinks or says. It's my life so keep your nose out of it. I'm not gonna stay & be unhappy. I dont deserve it! & I wont settle for it either. So thats it for now!

I'm not sure what's going on either me but I do know I need to figure it out & fast! One minute I will be so happy & the next I'll be in a state of depression & I honestly don't understand it. I'm not even sure if I should be writing some of the things on here, cause some of the things I'm not sure I want people to know! But it's my blog...so HERE GOES!!!

I'm not happy. Not as happy as I think I could be or deserve to be for that matter! I don't think I would be able to live without Charles but sometimes I feel like I don't want to be with him! I don't understand it. He doesn't make me feel good about myself & I've tried to talk with him about all of it but he just shrugs his shoulders & says 'I'm sorry'. never changes or makes an effort to change & I honestly am at a point where I don't know what to do about it. Do I stay in the marriage unhappy? Or leave & find out that being away from him is the worst mistake EVER? I don't know either. Sometimes I feel like I'm just here to clean the house, wash his clothes, fix his dinner & take care of Dominic. It really makes me sad cause he doesn't kiss me, or hold me, or show me any affection what so ever. & any person on the face of this planet needs to feel loved & like there needed...I DON'T! Part of me feels like I should leave but I'm so afraid he would try & take my son away from me & that scares me to death! Man, I got some real problems....

He doesn't act the same way towards Dominic either & that breaks my heart too! He doesn't play with him, change him, put him to bed, feed him, bathe him! Mommy does it all. And even though I love more then anything taking care of my son sometimes I just want a break to relax or take a nap like he gets too. & on the weekends he sleeps in cause he REFUSES to get up with him. But when I ask when I get to sleep in & him get up he says 'i work hard everyday & pay the bills so i get to sleep in' EXCUSE ME!!!!! I take care of a toddler ALL DAY EVERYDAY! he doesn't know what work is...ha ha. When he does watch him while I do dishes or fix dinner he loses his temper in two seconds flat. & he's suppose to be the calm one of the two of us! But me on the other hand don't lose my temper with him & I'm the hot head! Doesn't really make sense to me.

I just don't know what to do...Sometimes like 30% of the time I'm really happy & wouldn't change it for the world but the 70% of the time I just want to take my son & run to tim buck two someone & not tell a single soul! But i don't have the guts nor the money to go on that little advent so I guess it will just stay in my head as i hope & dream..I just want to be happy! I want to feel loved & wanted. When I wake up every morning I don't want the first thought to be how many times am I gonna cry today. But so far today it's been 5 times...that's pathetic I know but nothing else helps...Well that's all for now. I guess one day god will help me down the RIGHT path!

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This is how I feel sometimes. But I know that I have the most handsome & precious son in the whole world. So I know I have to strong...

I'm a blonde so sometimes it takes me awhile to get the hang of things or get the point, but some things I just dont understand. Like why when you try to help a family memeber realize that something isnt gonna look right at there wedding they get all hostle & crabby? Geez, I'm just trying to tell you it's gonna look gay! & why do parents insist on trying to boss you around when your 21 or your husband? I just dont understand it.
My father calls my husband up & yells at him about our cell phone bill (cuz it's in his name) to be honest its none of his business as long as we pay the bill it shouldnt matter if the bill his $1,000. NONE OF HIS BUSINESS!!! & why is it people always have to try to put you down to make you feel like crap? Is it becasue there life is soooooo borring that they have to cause drama in someone elses life so it's not so boring.....I just cant make any sense of it...People just blow my mind sometimes....I'm sorry but it's gonna look GAAAAAYYY!!!!!