Endless Thoughts of a Mama!

January 09, 2009

Not sure why I bother!

I'm not sure what's going on either me but I do know I need to figure it out & fast! One minute I will be so happy & the next I'll be in a state of depression & I honestly don't understand it. I'm not even sure if I should be writing some of the things on here, cause some of the things I'm not sure I want people to know! But it's my blog...so HERE GOES!!!

I'm not happy. Not as happy as I think I could be or deserve to be for that matter! I don't think I would be able to live without Charles but sometimes I feel like I don't want to be with him! I don't understand it. He doesn't make me feel good about myself & I've tried to talk with him about all of it but he just shrugs his shoulders & says 'I'm sorry'. never changes or makes an effort to change & I honestly am at a point where I don't know what to do about it. Do I stay in the marriage unhappy? Or leave & find out that being away from him is the worst mistake EVER? I don't know either. Sometimes I feel like I'm just here to clean the house, wash his clothes, fix his dinner & take care of Dominic. It really makes me sad cause he doesn't kiss me, or hold me, or show me any affection what so ever. & any person on the face of this planet needs to feel loved & like there needed...I DON'T! Part of me feels like I should leave but I'm so afraid he would try & take my son away from me & that scares me to death! Man, I got some real problems....

He doesn't act the same way towards Dominic either & that breaks my heart too! He doesn't play with him, change him, put him to bed, feed him, bathe him! Mommy does it all. And even though I love more then anything taking care of my son sometimes I just want a break to relax or take a nap like he gets too. & on the weekends he sleeps in cause he REFUSES to get up with him. But when I ask when I get to sleep in & him get up he says 'i work hard everyday & pay the bills so i get to sleep in' EXCUSE ME!!!!! I take care of a toddler ALL DAY EVERYDAY! he doesn't know what work is...ha ha. When he does watch him while I do dishes or fix dinner he loses his temper in two seconds flat. & he's suppose to be the calm one of the two of us! But me on the other hand don't lose my temper with him & I'm the hot head! Doesn't really make sense to me.

I just don't know what to do...Sometimes like 30% of the time I'm really happy & wouldn't change it for the world but the 70% of the time I just want to take my son & run to tim buck two someone & not tell a single soul! But i don't have the guts nor the money to go on that little advent so I guess it will just stay in my head as i hope & dream..I just want to be happy! I want to feel loved & wanted. When I wake up every morning I don't want the first thought to be how many times am I gonna cry today. But so far today it's been 5 times...that's pathetic I know but nothing else helps...Well that's all for now. I guess one day god will help me down the RIGHT path!

Jennifer

Blogged by Jennifer at 11:30 AM

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